The art of yearning
I am a self proclaimed yearner through and through. Every ounce of my being is filtered through my ability to yearn on end for an unimaginable amount of time. Are you a yearner because your saturo gojo? Or are you saturo gojo because you’re a yearner?
Whenever I tell people the level of which I yearn, they usually either underestimate the level of my yearning, or they just don’t believe that I do it to that extent. Whenever I find someone that I can feel a certain level of connection with, my brain will take that feeling, and multiply itself 100 times over and imbue it with several other emotions to go along with it, like obsession, jealousy, intimacy, and anything of the sort. And all of that leads me to love in a way that makes this person my whole vision and near impossible to not think of. With this I can still see a persons flaws and see their humanity, but it makes it unbelievably easy to look past those flaws and just see this perfect spectacular beauty of a person. And in the long run that won’t lead to anything able to work.
There is one thing about this that is in my eyes redeeming however. And it’s that this feeling does not last forever, and it does fade away into a genuine desire and admiration for the person every time. And it helps me form a genuine love for someone so much faster than I should, because I end up putting in the amount of effort into this person after a week of knowing them that a normal person would after a year of loving them. It’s a lot to deal with because I struggle to form relationships with people, all platonic, sexual and romantically. The only genuine hope I have for the future is that the right someone doesn’t see this and turns away, but sees it for what it is, genuine desire for them in an otherwise unfiltered manner. And I can only hope that they embrace it. And when that initial intensity wears away, I’d be able to make the choice to love every day after that, as well as they would.
All of this before this point was written while I was on several drugs because I’m in the hospital at the moment, so I’m not going to go over it and I hope it just makes sense.
I can definitely talk a lot more about this, but I’m still so out of it so it’s hard to think of points to bring up so I’ll just do another post some other time. Piece